When friends ask how I met and fell in love with Clare* after spending almost a decade with my high school boyfriend Neil*, I always say “Online.” But this isn’t the whole truth. I did meet Clare on the internet but not on a dating site — she was responding to the ad Neil posted seeking another woman to join us in the bedroom.
Neil first joked about having a threesome before we were even a couple, mentioning it in one of our saucy late-night online messenger chats when we were just 17 years old.
I brushed it off as flirtatious banter from an oversexed teen boy, but as we grew up and out of our teenage years, the fixation persisted.
Whenever we watched porn, it involved two girls and one guy. Every year when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he’d say, “Two of you.” And whenever we saw a beautiful girl at the beach or the gym, he’d casually say, “How about I ask her to come home with us?”
It sounds crazy, but during those years, I honestly didn’t think he was serious, or that this would become a real problem in our relationship. But a few months shy of our ninth anniversary, about a year after we got engaged, it did.
The message that changed everything
We had friends over for a lazy Sunday afternoon lunch and I went inside to change the music, which was playing through Neil’s phone, when a message popped up. “I’ve sent my pictures – can you send me yours? ;) ;) And some of your girlfriend too? We’re all in this together after all!!!!”
Try pretending you haven’t seen that message for another three hours until all your friends go home — I dare you.
When we were alone, I exploded. Surprisingly, Neil didn’t deny anything.
“This can’t be news to you, babe,” he said. “I’ve been talking this for years now. I thought if we started meeting some people, that would be the first step towards actually making it happen.”
He said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but wanted to at least try a threesome once before we got married. I could be in complete control of choosing our new bedfellow, he assured me, and all encounters would be set up by me.
Again, I know this sounds crazy, but I was actually a little intrigued and more than a little turned on. He showed me the responses to his ad and I sorted through them, eventually settling on Clare.
Drinks, dinner, threesome?
We met her at a local bar the following weekend and she was not just gorgeous, but friendly too. She had this amazing energy that just made you want to be around her. After drinks that turned into dinner, we agreed to meet at our apartment the following week.
I was sick with nerves all week and almost called it off more than once. But the night finally rolled around and Clare arrived — but after all the anticipation, the sex felt all wrong. Neil barely looked at me and was all over Clare in a way I was not comfortable with. By the time she left, I felt empty and alone.
The next morning, I told Neil it wasn’t going to work. He reluctantly agreed to move on. Of course, he didn’t. Three months later, I stumbled across Facebook messages that proved he was still planning threesomes — just not with me anymore. I was devastated and after an almighty argument, we split up.
Romance in aisle 1
I’m convinced what happened next was fate. About two months later, I was doing my weekly food shopping when I bumped into Clare in the ice cream aisle. I spilled about my breakup, and before I knew it, we were at the bar next door, staying until it closed. Within a month, we were inseparable, and within two were living together.
That was three years ago and we are now planning to get married if Australia ever legalizes same-sex marriage. Ours isn’t the most conventional love story and I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable telling our family and friends how we really met, but I will always be grateful for Neil’s dirty little secret.
‘No excuse to let your relationship go’
While true love stories like this are rare, it’s actually not uncommon for a relationship to be improved by adding another person.
“People are increasingly finding that there can be a lot of value in stepping outside the traditional monogamist relationship,” psychotherapist Isiah McKimmie said. “But it has to be done for the right reasons and really carefully.”
“The most important thing is to be crystal clear on the rules. Are there certain people who are off limits? What is the role of the other person? Is it just for sex or is there emotional intimacy too? Do you see or contact the other person individually or is it always something you do together?”
“Having a review date is also important because just because you’ve agreed to open up a relationship, doesn’t mean you will always be okay with that.”
The reasons you’re seeking to introduce a third party are also an important indicator of whether your new arrangement will bring happiness or a breakup.
“Opening things up can add spice and provide an outlet if one party has always been attracted to a partner of the same sex, but it’s not going to fix your relationship problems, especially if those problems are around communication and intimacy.
“Opening up a relationship takes more time and more communication than normal if you want it to work. It’s not an excuse to let your relationship go — it’s the time to really focus on it, or risk losing it altogether.”
Neil first joked about having a threesome before we were even a couple, mentioning it in one of our saucy late-night online messenger chats when we were just 17 years old.
I brushed it off as flirtatious banter from an oversexed teen boy, but as we grew up and out of our teenage years, the fixation persisted.
Whenever we watched porn, it involved two girls and one guy. Every year when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, he’d say, “Two of you.” And whenever we saw a beautiful girl at the beach or the gym, he’d casually say, “How about I ask her to come home with us?”
It sounds crazy, but during those years, I honestly didn’t think he was serious, or that this would become a real problem in our relationship. But a few months shy of our ninth anniversary, about a year after we got engaged, it did.
The message that changed everything
We had friends over for a lazy Sunday afternoon lunch and I went inside to change the music, which was playing through Neil’s phone, when a message popped up. “I’ve sent my pictures – can you send me yours? ;) ;) And some of your girlfriend too? We’re all in this together after all!!!!”
Try pretending you haven’t seen that message for another three hours until all your friends go home — I dare you.
When we were alone, I exploded. Surprisingly, Neil didn’t deny anything.
“This can’t be news to you, babe,” he said. “I’ve been talking this for years now. I thought if we started meeting some people, that would be the first step towards actually making it happen.”
He said he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, but wanted to at least try a threesome once before we got married. I could be in complete control of choosing our new bedfellow, he assured me, and all encounters would be set up by me.
Again, I know this sounds crazy, but I was actually a little intrigued and more than a little turned on. He showed me the responses to his ad and I sorted through them, eventually settling on Clare.
Drinks, dinner, threesome?
We met her at a local bar the following weekend and she was not just gorgeous, but friendly too. She had this amazing energy that just made you want to be around her. After drinks that turned into dinner, we agreed to meet at our apartment the following week.
I was sick with nerves all week and almost called it off more than once. But the night finally rolled around and Clare arrived — but after all the anticipation, the sex felt all wrong. Neil barely looked at me and was all over Clare in a way I was not comfortable with. By the time she left, I felt empty and alone.
The next morning, I told Neil it wasn’t going to work. He reluctantly agreed to move on. Of course, he didn’t. Three months later, I stumbled across Facebook messages that proved he was still planning threesomes — just not with me anymore. I was devastated and after an almighty argument, we split up.
Romance in aisle 1
I’m convinced what happened next was fate. About two months later, I was doing my weekly food shopping when I bumped into Clare in the ice cream aisle. I spilled about my breakup, and before I knew it, we were at the bar next door, staying until it closed. Within a month, we were inseparable, and within two were living together.
That was three years ago and we are now planning to get married if Australia ever legalizes same-sex marriage. Ours isn’t the most conventional love story and I don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable telling our family and friends how we really met, but I will always be grateful for Neil’s dirty little secret.
‘No excuse to let your relationship go’
While true love stories like this are rare, it’s actually not uncommon for a relationship to be improved by adding another person.
“People are increasingly finding that there can be a lot of value in stepping outside the traditional monogamist relationship,” psychotherapist Isiah McKimmie said. “But it has to be done for the right reasons and really carefully.”
“The most important thing is to be crystal clear on the rules. Are there certain people who are off limits? What is the role of the other person? Is it just for sex or is there emotional intimacy too? Do you see or contact the other person individually or is it always something you do together?”
“Having a review date is also important because just because you’ve agreed to open up a relationship, doesn’t mean you will always be okay with that.”
The reasons you’re seeking to introduce a third party are also an important indicator of whether your new arrangement will bring happiness or a breakup.
“Opening things up can add spice and provide an outlet if one party has always been attracted to a partner of the same sex, but it’s not going to fix your relationship problems, especially if those problems are around communication and intimacy.
“Opening up a relationship takes more time and more communication than normal if you want it to work. It’s not an excuse to let your relationship go — it’s the time to really focus on it, or risk losing it altogether.”
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